I recently turned 35. It feels like a milestone to me. What is the definition of middle age? I sure seem to think it might start at 35.
I remember thinking that 35 seemed so old. So far in the future. So adult. And I think it’s true… I’ve been a legal adult now for 14 years, have a husband, a mortgage and two kids. You don’t get any more adult than that, do you?
I’ve been having a bit of catharsis lately. I’ve recently realized that I pretty much achieved all of my life goals from my childhood except for one. I can say that the thing I spent dreaming about the most when I was a kid was having a family of my own. Finding my own Mr. Right, and having two kids — a boy and a girl.
I have a diary from when I was 14, and there is a page in there that is almost eery how I described what I want in the future, because it is what I have now. Part of me thinks that is the power of having a vision of what you want. If you focus on something long enough, you’re bound to make it happen.
The thing that has been frustrating me lately, though, is that even though I have the husband, the kids and the house, I never imagined what it would be like to be a working mom. I still struggle with it. Just this morning, as Little Miss and I were ready to leave for preschool, Little Man crawled up to me and held his hands up.
My hands were full, so I knelt down, and the kid gave me a huge hug. Then, he walked around behind me to play a game of peek-a-boo as he peered around my shoulder smiling from ear to ear.
It was a hard moment for me. I just feel so robbed most days, as I want to be home with my kids, playing endless games of peek-a-boo and having crawling races and dancing to princess music.
I think it’s also harder for me because my current job doesn’t have me working on my strengths and my passions the majority of the time. I have a great job, and I do it well, but it’s not feeding my soul, if you get my gist. I kind of feel like every day, I’m beating a square peg into a round hole.
So what was that one childhood dream I had that I haven’t made come true? Well, I wanted to be a writer. And truly, when I am happiest at work is when I’m asked to craft a communication that will be distributed to a lot of people in an effort to get them excited about an event or promotion. But truly, if I could pick my life’s work, I’d like to be able to write books, and to be able to do that while staying home with my kids.
I think I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself, because I feel strongly that I should just “get started”. I put that in quotes, because it is so much easier said than done. But the truth is, I pretty much have two full time jobs — one in an office for 9 hours a day strapped to a computer screen, and that of being a mom. By the time I finish both jobs for the day, around 9pm, I am just spent. In my head, I think that is the time I should start pursuing my dreams. But the truth is I’m just dead tired, and would kill to sit on the couch and vegetate for a few minutes.
I actually had an idea of how I could make a change in my professional life, but honestly, the change I was looking at would require more training, and I’m just deathly afraid that will result in much less time with my kids than I already have. As it is, each minute with them is treasured, and I’m left longing for more.
So, I’ve found this year, the year that I turned 35 — an age where there is no denying my adulthood, I think it’s time for me to get a new dream – a new vision that I can dream about and strive to make my dream come true.