I am ready to close the door on one of the worst weeks of my entire life.
Come to think of it, perhaps it was THE worst week of my life.
It all started Sunday night when I decided to go on a walk around the neighborhood with Madelynn and the Black Dog Club. I hadn’t made it to the gym that day, so I was looking for a good workout. I decided to go walk “to the G”. You see, here in ‘Vada, people paint letters on the foothills to represent the high schools. We live right by Galena High School, hence the G. The walk up to the G is steep, but completely paved.
Right as I made it to the entry of the path to the G, a man stopped me, saying he had just seen two rattlesnakes on the pavement up there.
I figured that coming across rattlesnakes with three dogs and a baby was the last thing I needed, so I decided to just go walk on a pretty flat trail that goes through a field by the high school.
When I got to that trail, I let the dogs off the leash, and started walking with Madelynn, who was in the Baby Bjorn facing outwards. Not two minutes later, I tripped on a rock and fell.
This is a trail that we walk all the time by our house. It’s not a tricky trail at all. Perhaps my guard was down. Nevertheless, I fell forward and Madelynn’s face hit the ground.
Truly the worst moment of my life.
I don’t really want to rehash what those next moments were like, because it was truly a nightmare. In essence, I rounded up the dogs, scurried home, and then drove her to the Emergency Room, calling JB on my cell phone telling him to meet me there, since he was at Home Depot when this all happened.
The Emergency Room was pretty worthless. We were there for three hours, and basically, they looked in her eyes, nose and ears, and gave us an ice pack. I actually had to go across the street to buy her some infant Tylenol.
When we got home from the hospital, she started having trouble breathing through her nose. I didn’t sleep that night, petrified that if I did, I would wake up to find that she had stopped breathing.
The next morning, concerned by the difficulty she had breathing through her nose, I took her to the pediatrician, who basically said she’d be fine, but suggested nose drops.
Nose drops didn’t help, so on Tuesday, we went to the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor that confirmed that she had a fractured septum, which was blocking both nostrils, and that she’d need surgery to get it repaired.
I cannot tell you the guilt that I have been dealing with this week, and it sent me spiraling downward to know that she’d have to undergo surgery at merely 3 months of age simply because her mother is a klutz.
The surgery was Wednesday morning, and the night before was miserable because she couldn’t have any medications or milk after midnight. She basically slept in my arms that night as she thrashed about.
Handing Madelynn over to the nurse for her surgery was also horrible. I went outside and just sobbed. My heart literally hurt. My heart was broken when I fell and hurt my baby.
The surgery only took 15 minutes, and simply consisted of the doctor knocking the septum back into its proper place, so no cutting was required.
She breathed a bit better for a while, but then got more congested as her tissues swelled from the surgery. That night, she started projectile vomiting from one of the meds she was on.
It was like a nightmare that wouldn’t end.
She’s getting better now. By yesterday, her wimpering cry that made her hoarse had subsided, and my happy, smiling baby was back, be it with quite a bit of residual congestion. With a few squirts of nose spray, you really couldn’t tell what a traumatic week it has been for all of us.
My Mom came out on Monday night, and has been a life saver. I think there is something very comforting about having your mother around in times of crisis.
So things are finally looking up around here. Madelynn’s scrapes and bruises are almost completely gone, and she looks beautiful once again. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the pain in my heart from seeing my baby suffer due to something I did.
I know it’s not my fault. I know accidents happen. But that still doesn’t get rid of the guilt. The only thing that makes me feel better is to see her heal and start to thrive again. I know that there will be other times that she’ll be hurt and that it will physically pain me to see her suffer again, but this time around, I’m just so glad we seem to have made it through the worst of it.
And today, more than any other, I say Thank God it’s Friday. I plan to spend the entire three day weekend making this up to my baby daughter.