Friday night, I went to see a local band playing at a bar in downtown Sparks. I asked all kinds of people to go with me, but no one was able. Determined to not let that stop me, I threw on a sundress and some slutty shoes, and I was off.
I showed up and grabbed a chair about 10 feet away from the band. I may as well have been raw meat in a shark tank. It was really unbelievable how many random and nasty men were suddenly interested in me.
It started with a geeky guy who came over and struggled to make conversation. He talked all about his work and hobbies, and would then fall silent. Except for when he pulled out the line of ‘You have beautiful eyes’, and I laughed, because for a second I honestly thought he said ‘You have beautiful thighs’. I digress. But this makes a good point for all of you single guys out there. The best way to pick up on a woman — ask questions about her and listen to her answers. No woman wants to be the sole audience for your monologues. He asked for my number, and when I told him I was dating someone, he said ‘He’s a really lucky guy’. OK, at least that line was sweet.
Nasty man number two was extremely drunk. He came up to me and started dancing in front of my chair. He then said ‘You’re really cute’, and next thing I knew, he was tugging on my toe. I laughed at him, and noticed at that time, that there were a bunch of people watching him make a spectacle of himself. He’d dance away, but then would come back, and would try to kiss me. He got my cheek and my thigh before I had to shove him away. And he was mesmerized by my toes. Strange, I tell you.
The third nasty man had to be like fifty, was bald, and had a huge handle-bar mustache. At this point, I started wondering if it was just the bar I was in, or if there was some strange vibe I was sending out to attract all of these random men. The old baldy kept asking me to dance, and I kept telling him I was too sober to dance, so he kept coming back and checking on me. I eventually gave in and danced with him, keeping a good 4 feet between us. Oh, and he came up to like my chest.
After a while, I decided to go sit outside the bar to get some fresh air. That was when I was approached by the two stooges. They started lavishing on the compliments, and my favorite was that I had a ‘classic beauty, like what you’d see in the 40s’. I said ‘Please don’t tell me I look forty,’ and he clarified, saying that I had the classic beauty you would have seen in the 1940s. Hey, he gets a few points for originality at least, though I don’t know how platform shoes and a really short dress could remind him of the 1940s. The two stooges then started going off on how cool scooters were, and ‘aren’t you impressed that that scooter over there can go sixty miles per hour’.
I looked at them and simply stated, ‘It’s a scooter’.
‘You mean you wouldn’t like it if I showed up for a date and picked you up on a scooter?’
Once again, my response was, ‘It’s a scooter’.
‘But they’re really cool in Europe.’
‘We live in America.’ I said.
This guy then started saying that that scooter could take any vehicle I had and could beat it off of a stop light. Now that was when I burst out laughing, knowing that no scooter would have a chance against my 400 horse power Trans Am. Geesh, boys, get a life.
So that was my Friday night. I guess it did a bit for my ego having a trail of men picking up on me, but I was very disconcerted about how wacky they all were. Man, the bar scene can be scary…